This post is for my homies who live in shameful torment from the fact that they’re not regular sex-havers.

Step Zero (Most Important)

First, accept that you will live alone for the rest of your life, and that’s okay, because you’ll build a good life for yourself anyways. You must not hate or judge yourself for your loneliness, but learn to enjoy your own company. This takes a few years. You have to be able to imagine your future as a single man for the rest of your life and not flinch or feel fear, but to feel excitement at more decades that look like your current life. Don’t become proud of being single and don’t complain about it, because you have more important things in life you want to do.

Only when you feel like you don’t need the validation of a woman picking you, when you’re not afraid of women, or when you’re content with your life, will you be able to go on dates and be your relaxed, authentic self. I got to this point at about twenty-eight years old.

Lift weights or do sports. You have to be healthy. You don’t need to start worrying about having a low bf%, women mostly just like healthy men. Becoming obsessed with your physique is kind of stupid; just work out enough that you feel good day to day.

No porn, no jerking off. Porn makes you stop seeing average women as incredibly beautiful and raises your standards unrealistically high. It anaesthetises your attraction to real women. And if you stop jerking off, it’ll give you the drive to keep swiping through the very psychologically hard process of online dating.

Move to New York, or a city with more women than men. If you’re in Seattle or SF, leave.

Step 1

On Hinge, send five likes a day. At the same time, you should be judging every profile hard and rejecting 99% of them, so it can take around twenty minutes of swiping each day to send out your five likes, which is a huge pain. But remember, you’re okay being single, you’re not desperate, so you’re holding out for the one that’s right for you.

  • Beware: instantly judging hundreds of women every day will, if you’re not careful about curbing this, infect your mind with negative thoughts about women in real life.

Use Photofeeler. I paid about $75 to find out the photos I thought were good were actually terrible.

Every like must have a message. Ask an interesting question and try to connect on a personal level. It can take a few minutes of reading a profile until you think of a good conversation starter, but if you can’t think of one, maybe that means you like her because she’s hot, not because you’re actually interested in her.

Be upfront in your profile. Are you a weeb who just wants someone to watch anime with? Put that in your profile. Are you looking for someone frugal and practical? Put that in your profile. Are you extremely boring? Put that in your profile. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not because you think that’s attractive. Pretending to be someone else doesn’t work.

Send no more than four messages on the app before scheduling a date.

Step 2

The date should be something free like a park or a free museum. Do not do dinner or lunch dates; those are awful and a waste of money.

If it happens that you want coffee, buy them a coffee too, but paying for a meal should only happen when you’ve spent a few hours together and you’re both laughing and smiling and starting to get hungry. 90% of your dates should cost no more than two subway tickets.

  • I want an equal with a practical outlook who can pay for themselves. You want to filter out the immature people who buy into simplistic romantic narratives. Not paying is a powerful filter for those kinds of people — does she still like you even when you’re not a source of free meals and cocktails?

Your goal is to find out if you feel good around her. Do you feel funny and charming and comfortable around her? You’re not trying to get laid or get a second date. It is to figure out if she’s a waste of your time or if you’ll still enjoy your hundredth date. Do not try to impress her. In fact, it’s better to be your cringe self. Remember: you’re okay with being alone.

  • You’re looking for a woman that’s mature enough that she’s no longer looking to be swept off her feet by prince charming, but coldly calculating which man she wants to spend the next forty years of her life with.

Start clear: state that you’re looking for a life partner and want to get married, and whether or not you want kids. This won’t end the date because you’ve filtered out anyone you’re incompatible with on the app, but it’s important to set the tone for what kind of date this is going to be. I waited for the second date to talk about the pre-nup.

Then just try to have fun. Joke around, talk about your hobbies, be loose.

Is she hot but you felt uncomfortable? Do you really like her, but you didn’t feel very happy around her? No second date, goodbye. If you’re not smiling, feeling great, and laughing with her, wish her a good life and go home.

Ask about her relationship with her parents. It’s a big green flag if it’s good, and if it’s bad, see how mature she is about it. Does she see her parents as flawed people, or does she make them out to be evil and expect validation?

Disclose your own history of mental illness or depression if you have any, and ask her directly about hers. If she has a a history, you need to have a serious conversation about it, even if it’s a first date. Ask directly what her plan is and what she’s already done to treat and resolve the illness. Pay attention if she takes responsibility for it, or if she blames the illness. Plenty of people worth dating are adults building their lives and managing a mental illness.

  • Look up what the numbers are on divorce rates and relationship quality when one partner has a mental illness. This is serious.
  • It’s especially common these days for people to have mental illness as a permanent matter of identity. People who define themselves by their diagnosis and demand it be accepted are not at a sufficient level of mental maturity for life partnership, at least for me.
  • No shame to the mentally ill, I’ve been there myself, but I would have been a terrible partner back then.

If you’re incompatible on some of these axes, you’ll be tempted to say “fuck it, why not” and compromise on your principles, especially if you’re horny from step zero. Just wrap up the date, try to make sure she has a good time, and go home.

If she offers to be friends, say no and end the date immediately. You’re looking for a girlfriend, and if you’re too afraid to say that to her face, you need to go back to step zero.

I averaged one to two dates a month. I had maybe a dozen bad dates, two enjoyable dates that didn’t work out, and one good date. She’s moved in now. There’s many indicators that we’ll have a long and good relationship. Of course, we both agree that people change over time and we’re still not done maturing, and we’re content with the possibility this relationship stops working for us. Really, only time will tell if my method is any good, but I’m not going to wait until we’re happily married for twenty years to make this post.